Different Types of People

In my life, I don’t have a very large social circle. But with the encounters allowed on my path, I have made a few conclusions.

My personal opinion is that people generally fall into these 3 categories, in different situations of life.

1) “The Stone Cold Heart”

Symptoms:

a) “I am PERFECT. YOU are WRONG”

These kinds of people love themselves more than anything else in the world. They are selfish & focus a lot on themselves. These kinds of people tell you only the good things about their lives. They hide their past and their mistakes, because they are cowards. They’re scared their standard will drop if they tell you their faults.

Then, they try to tell you your mistakes, and highlight themselves as the perfect example in every situation. If they see your mistake, they tend to say, “Why are you so like this? You don’t know how to do all this. Look at me. If I am in your situation, I’ll do this, this & this…See how I do this…See how I handle it.”

They want to appear perfect and be the best in everything. But in reality, they are insecure, because they are not satisfied with so many things in their own life.

b) “I have the right to tell you off – YOU need to change”

They are open and honest about their opinions. They don’t pretend to agree with you when they think you are wrong. When they think they are right, they will be very happy to tell you off. They tend to use harsh words with raised voice. At that moment, they have no patience to think how the other person might take it. This is their way of handling their emotions.

They think like this: “I have the right to say this. If you can’t take it, that’s your problem. You need to change.” Then, they easily walk off, without feeling bad about hurting someone’s feelings, because they SERIOUSLY think it’s their right!

c) “Don’t expect me to say SORRY”

It’s very difficult to show them their mistakes, because in their own eyes, they are always right. If you highlight their fault, they’ll become very angry & defensive. They are impatient, and find it very hard to just listen to people’s feelings.

They find it very difficult to say ‘sorry’ because they just can’t see their mistake. They always feel it’s the other person’s fault, so there’s no need to apologize. Even when they hurt someone, it’s very difficult to them to take the initiative to say SORRY, because they think they didn’t do anything wrong. They avoid apologizing because they feel it hurts their ego.

They don’t do all this purposely. It’s just because their heart is hard as stone. They think with purely with their head. They don’t listen with their heart.

How to deal with them:

· First, forget about yourself & try to understand them.

· Put yourself in their shoes & think like them. Explain to them that you understand their point of view. Tell them that they are RIGHT from their point of view (that’s what they really want to hear, because it boosts they’re EGO!).

· If you say they are wrong, they will become defensive, angry and upset. They won’t listen to you if they are angry. Instead, they’ll tell you off! Never, ever directly say they are wrong.

· So, the only way to get them to LISTEN is to pamper their ego first. After that, explain to them DIRECT TO THE ISSUE. Don’t use complicated examples and indirect stories. It will make them more angry, because they lack patience. Make your message short and clear. Deal with the issue immediately, not one month later!

Don’t say: “Last time you did this & this. Then you did this. Now, you are doing this. You don’t care about my feelings.”

When you say things like this, the ‘stone cold heart’ can’t understand your point, because it’s an EMOTIONAL message. The hard heart thinks with the head, not with the heart. Remove the ‘emotion’ and replace it with direct and precise words.

When you use emotions, they'll think, “What the hell is going on! What a big scandal! I have the right to say all that. It’s not my fault. If they can’t handle it, that’s their problem.” So, they never get your point.

The right way: Pamper their ego first, because their ego means the world to them. Say, “You have the RIGHT to say all this to me. You are very experienced. I know you have good intentions. You care about me and want me to change for the better. I learn a lot from you.”

Once you say this, you manage to catch his attention to make him listen.

Only after this, get to your point. Say, “What you say is right, but I can’t take the WAY you say it. Understand my point of view. Please don’t use harsh words. Don’t raise your voice. Listen to me, and talk gently. Then, I can accept it.”

Of course, you will be expecting an apology for hurting your feelings. You really want them to say sorry. But try to understand the other person. They have a hard heart. If you can get them to listen, and talk more gently and softly, that’s already a HUGE success!

In their mind, they're still right, but they're beginning to understand other’s feelings. That’s a good start.

Getting an apology is on a higher level. It will take time for stone to melt. Don’t expect immediate change. Appreciate small steps of progress.

In time, only God can melt a heart of stone with PERFECT LOVE. Leave the rest to Jesus.

If you are a “Stone Cold Heart” person:

· LEARN TO LISTEN. Your first reaction is always to get angry, fight & tell of. Forget about your rights & feelings for one moment. Give your feelings to God. Just tell Jesus, “I am feeling SO ANGRY. Change my heart to be like you.” Just be quiet, imagine you are the other person, and just LISTEN. Try to understand the other person’s feelings. Feel what they feel, hear what they hear.

· SPEAK WITHOUT ANGER. Only open your mouth, when you are sure your heart has no anger. If your heart still has anger, just listen quietly. When you calm down, then start to talk. Express your feelings. Don’t keep it in your heart.

· USE KIND WORDS & SOFT TONE OF VOICE. When you talk, don’t say, “I’m tired of you. I don’t understand. You are weak etc…”. Instead, SINCERELY SAY: “I understand your feelings. I know why you are hurt. My intentions was….., but maybe the way I said it was too harsh.”

· APOLOGIZE. Say ‘SORRY.’ When you say sorry, it doesn’t mean that you had bad intentions. SORRY means, “I said it with the right motive, but somehow something I said /did hurt you badly. I don’t want you to be hurt. I want to see you happy. I love you.”

2) “The Soft Heart”

Symptoms:

a) “Understand me”

These kinds of people are open book. They tell you everything about themselves. They don’t hide their mistakes or their shame. They just share it, hoping others will understand them better, and see them as they really are. They are honest and original. They don’t put up a show or pretend to be someone else. They are open enough to show their true emotions and cry. But sometimes, they are too honest, until people think that they are weak, and start to overpower them.

They want to be nice all the time. When they expect something from others, they don’t ask directly. They beat about the bush and tell a long story. They send a long message, because they expect other people to understand the message, on their own. When people don’t get the message, they feel hurt and upset. They tend to cry or become very quite, because that’s their way of dealing with their feelings.

Sometimes, the feel too much with their heart, they forget to think with their head. They forget to think from other people’s point of view.

b) “It’s not over yet!–YOU need to need to know what’s wrong”

When there’s a problem, they quickly settle things because the want to avoid a fight. They tend to give in, and take the blame, even if they really feel that it’s the other person’s fault. They tend to cry and become very upset. Yet, they find it very difficult to be direct to the point, because it might cause a fight. They are afraid to face a fight, because they’re too used to playing the ‘nice’ role.

But, in their heart, it’s not over yet. They really want the other person to understand. Even if you think the issue is settled, in their mind, they’re thinking of different ways to make you understand what really happened. They want you to understand what’s wrong, and why they felt hurt. They just want you to feel what they feel, instead of scolding them. When you understand them, they will be satisfied.

Only when they are sure you understand, then it’s settled for them!

c) “Tell me SORRY – it means, you LOVE me.”

This kinds of people are generous with nice words. They say “Please” and “Sorry” very easily to others. So, in the same way, they expect others to happily apologize when they’ve hurt them. When they don’t get this desired reaction from others, they become very disappointed.

For them, it’s not a matter rights. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. If you’ve accidentally hurt someone, you need to say ‘SORRY,’ even if you had all the right intentions. Not just that, you need to say it LOVINGLY, express it GENTLY, and do it HAPPILY. For them, this is a demonstration of LOVE.

They don’t do all this purposely. It’s just because their heart is fragile and soft. They FEEL with their heart. They don’t purely think with their head.

How to deal with them:

· First, forget about yourself & try to understand them.

· Put yourself in their shoes & think like them. Explain to them that you understand their point of view. Tell them that they are RIGHT from their point of view (that’s what they really want to hear, because it makes them feel that you UNDERSTAND them!).

· If you say they are wrong and weak, they will become very hurt. They will listen to you patiently, but their heart will be terribly broken. They will keep it in their heart, and think of many ways to make you understand.

· So, the only way to settle the problem is to LISTEN & UNDERSTAND THEM FIRST. After that, explain to them WITH GENTLE WORDS & SOFT VOICE. Be patient. Add emotions to your words, even if you are so used to thinking purely with your head. Make your message short and clear. Deal with the issue immediately, but BE LOVING.

Don’t say: “I don’t understand you. You are very weak. You are a baby..Look at me, see how I handle things so well.”

When you say things like this, the ‘fragile soft heart’ can’t understand your point. They will think, “He is comparing me and putting me down. He is looking down on me!” Then, they might cry even more because you’ve just shattered their fragile heart into bits!" They want you to understand them.

The ‘soft heart’ feels with the heart, not just thinks with the head.

The right way: Show them that you REALLY UNDERSTAND THEM, because this means the world to them. Say, “I understand you. I know why you feel like this. I know you love me so much and want me to change for the better. I learn a lot from you.”

Remove the harsh words and raised voice. Replace it with understanding words and soft tone.

Once you say this, you manage to catch their attention to make them listen.

Only after this, get to your point. Say, “What you say is right, but I can’t take the WAY you say it. Understand my point of view. Please don’t send me long messages. Don’t send me strong e-mails. Understand me, and tell me straight to the point. Then, I can accept it.”

Of course, you will be expecting them to be strong and stop crying. But understand the soft heart. If you can get them to be happy and be cheerful, that’s already a success.

In their mind, thay are still right, but they're beginning to understand your opinion. That’s a good start.

Getting them to be firm and stop crying is a higher level. It will take time for a fragile heart to be firmed up. Don’t expect immediate change. Appreciate small steps of progress.

In time, only God can comfort and heal and strengthen a fragile heart with PERFECT LOVE. Leave the rest to Jesus.

If you are a “Fragile Soft Heart” person:

· LEARN TO LISTEN. Your first reaction is always to get hurt, upset & cry. Forget about your feelings for one moment. Give your feelings to God. Just tell Jesus, “I am feeling SO HURT. Change my heart to be like you.” Just be quiet, imagine you are the other person, and just LISTEN. Try to understand the other person’s feelings. Feel what they feel, hear what they hear.

· SPEAK WITHOUT HURT & GRUDGE. Only open your mouth, when you are sure your heart can handle the hurt. If your heart still feels upset, just listen quietly. When you calm down, then start to talk. Express your feelings. Don’t keep it in your heart.

· USE DIRECT WORDS & SOFT but FIRM TONE OF VOICE. When you talk, don’t say, “You don’t understand me, you don’t know your mistakes, you enjoy hurting me…”. Instead, SINCERELY SAY: “I know you have the right to tell me. I know why you are angry and upset. My intentions was….., but maybe the way I said it was too harsh / indirect.”

· APOLOGIZE. Say ‘SORRY.’ When you say sorry, it doesn’t mean that you had bad intentions. SORRY means, “I said it with the right motive, but somehow something I said made you really angry. I don’t want you to be angry. I want to see you happy. I care for you.”

3) “THE HEART OF FLESH”

This heart is not too hard, not too soft. It’s just RIGHT. It's strong and loving. It thinks with the HEAD, & listens with the HEART. It firmly guides and advices. It gently shows faults. It patiently accepts corrections. It admits mistakes & happily changes self to serve others. It sincerely understands, beyond rights and mistakes. It truly LOVES with its whole life!

This is the kind of heart God gives us, when we BELIEVE & ask JESUS to CHANGE us. We develop this HEART OF FLESH when we BELIEVE JESUS, READ THE BIBLE & PRACTICE IT DAILY.

GOD says in Ezekiel 36:26 :

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will
remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

Remember:

HEAD – HEART = STONE COLD HEART (heartless)
HEART – HEAD = SOFT HEART (weakness)
HEART + HEAD = HEART OF FLESH (strong & loving)

Let’s have a Heart of Flesh in 2012! Happy New Year!