I always used to say, “Freedom, justice and equality – that’s very important to me.” And if I felt that wasn’t happening, I would try to make it happen. However, to live and love, there needs to be something that surpasses that noble notion, because nothing and nobody is perfect.
Relationship issues can really get to us sometimes. They can cause sadness and anger, especially when we feel that we have done our best trying to see it from their point, we apologize a couple of times, and yet people don’t see our good intentions.
When I face situations like this, I ask myself, “What is it that I ultimately want, while I try to get my point across? Am I trying to prove that I am right, or do I want peace? And the answer to that question determines the difference in my actions. Although sometimes the way I get treated really makes me depressed, I’m fortunate I’ve had the chance to fill my mind with good things.
My close friends would know that I am huge fan of John C. Maxwell (JCM), the leadership expert and pastor. I try to listen to a little of his sermons or talks almost every day, and I picked up a lot of lessons to apply. Allow me to share, along with a few other things my little experiences have revealed.
· “Forgiveness is a permanent attitude”
JCM quoted Martin Luther King Jr. Forget about justice. Focus on grace and forgiveness, says the former. Justice is something you get that you deserve. Grace is something you get that you don’t deserve.
I remember sometime back, I uttered some really sharp words to a friend. I said those things out of the emotion of the moment where I felt some unfairness in the situation. It was obvious that I hurt him, and I knew it, more because he made it known to me. When I called him the next day, I asked if he would forgive me for what I said, and he questioned me about my words which I myself could not recall entirely.
But I remember part of his reply: “If you don’t remember it and I don’t remember it, then let’s forget about it.” And he continued the conversation as he always did, because I believe he saw me beyond those words and into intentions.
At that moment, I knew he was upset with me, yet he chose to be nice, forgive and be graceful. In my heart, I was grateful to have met such a friend who showed me grace.
When people say words that upset me or do things that hurt me, I remind myself to show grace and accept people just as they are, just as others have accepted me, the same way God has accepted us. As the saying goes, “to err is human, but to forgive divine.”
· Face the issue; don’t expect it to magically disappear
In one of my previous blog posts, I wrote about a stray cat spending an entire night in my house while I hadn’t a clue. When I heard strange noises, I ran out of the house and had planned to lock up and leave, hoping everything would be all right when I got back many hours later.
A good friend happened to call me some time after reading my post, and told me straight to my face that I couldn’t go on with my life with that attitude. He said, “You can’t expect the problem to disappear just like that. You cannot run away from the problem because of fear, and just hope that everything will be alright. Life doesn’t work that way. You have to face it.”
It made me realize that I had carried that attitude in some relationships in my life, and that point was a beginning of change for me. Of course, when someone tells us that we’re wrong, it does hurt a little; even more if it is said harshly, or by someone way younger. But we are blessed if people care enough to tell us, take the risk of facing the reaction we might give and be the ‘bad person’ in our eyes, so that we can grow. If we are grateful, we’ll be teachable and accept it. Otherwise, truly, it’s our loss.
Ever since, no matter how difficult a situation seemed, I made it a point to face it. To try to talk it out face to face calmly, not emotionally loaded, whenever possible. If not, over the phone, because that allows a two way communication. Some people feel that sms is a good idea. They throw questions, demand for answers, and then get offended when there’s no reply. I feel that sms can be good for compliments, but it’s selfish to drop accusations and force another person to accept it through text. Furthermore it’s subject to misinterpretation.
If the issue is not faced, we tend to nurse a grudge in our heart and react negatively, and the other party may never even know it exists. I tend to be a person who overlooks my friends’ fault whenever I can, and sometimes I absorb the hurt and forget about it, because it’s a choice that I make.
My principle is as in a wedding ceremony before a couple takes the marriage vow, “Speak now or forever hold your peace.” If I choose not to confront a friend about something because I can accept it, I remind myself not to keep it as a list in my heart for future use. If I don't wish to deal with it, I have to learn to live with it. It would be very unfair to a friend, to keep everything inside and one fine day, drop a bomb on his or her head.
Another point I picked from this is that I could not change overnight. Everything is a process. I improved over time and am still learning. Likewise, when I try to gently make others see the issues they are having, I am patient. Maybe even if they don’t get it now, it might just be starting point for them. Maybe and hopefully they’ll realize it when someone else tells them the next time. But it pays to know that at least I tried to face it.
· Never allow the situation to mean more than the person
JCM says that you should never allow the situation to mean more than the person. No matter how terrible a person’s behavior or actions may be, we should deal with the action or situation, and not attack the person. If we really care about them, the way we approach the problem will not be a personal attack. We will try to solve the problem while still showing them that we care.
This is easier said than done especially when another party is very self-centered, defensive and does not reciprocate to our intentions. When another person is too emotional and shoots bullets of assumptions and accusations, it can be very painful. But with some humility to continue to show kindness and attempt to steer the wheel back to the issue, it is possible, with grace.
Perhaps it may help to tell ourselves that they haven’t learnt this lesson in life. Since we are learning, we apply it, regardless of the level of their communication skills. Instead of ignoring them, being mean or returning evil for evil, maybe it’s a lesson for us to be the example and show them how we would like them to treat us. The golden rule does say, “Do unto others what you would like them to do unto you.”
· We can only control our own actions. We can’t control another’s reactions.
Sometimes, with all our good intentions and no matter how hard we try, things just don’t work out. We just have to accept it.
There are situations where an apology is all it takes to solve a little problem, and it’s our choice whether we want to make the first move regardless of who started the issue in the first place. I learnt at a young age that an apology has a very magical power. I remember it saved me a lot of scolding from my mother after I admitted my mistakes with an innocent face, and uttered that magic word - sorry. In fact, I was even referred to as a good example when others got a mouth lashing, and was one of my Moral teacher’s favorites.
Elton John sang it very well, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word.” Some people find it very difficult to admit they may have been wrong, and feel that it’s a sting on their ego. They feel that they ‘lose’ if they say that word, even if another chooses to apologize first. They even stubbornly decide that they are always right.
But the truth is, none of us is perfect. We may have said something out of anger, raised a tone too high, or been insensitive somewhere along the line, even if we have our reasons to feel that we are not wrong. Our willingness to say ‘sorry’ shows our maturity to acknowledge the fact that we are just as human as the other party. We don’t need to be sorry about things that were right. We can apologize for the way our words or actions may have made others feel, while knowing with certainty that our intentions were right. After all, it’s just a play of words. And of course, if we’re really wrong, we should apologize sincerely for the fault.
But having said this, we need to remember that some people just refuse to say sorry. That word has been banished from their vocabulary and we wonder where it went! We can’t force another to see their faults if they refuse to. If we compel them to, they might admit it, but it won’t be from their heart. It might just be to shut us up or simply to let us hear what we want to hear. Perhaps even to get our favour if they need something from us.
We just have to accept them the way they are, be wise while around them, and try to look for the good. JCM says, “Treat others better than they treat you.” He calls this the higher road. “Keep your eyes off the mirror and focus on serving others – forget yourself, don’t focus on your own needs. Success in life has everything to do with what you do for others” he declares. Finding fault is easy. It doesn’t need any skills. It takes more to look for the good in others all the time. And the Bible says, “love your enemies, bless those who curse you, be good to those who persecute you.”
If there’s one most important thing I’ve learnt recently, it is that relationships are extremely fragile. Even though we may have forgiven or been forgiven, if the situation is not handled with care, things may never be the same again. Sometimes, though wounds heal, scars remain. Sometimes, we may never get a second chance. However, if we handle the issue well, it would strengthen the relationship for the better.
So let’s try to do it right the first time, always. Though there will definitely be efforts where we are bound to fail, let’s just forget about justice and focus on grace!
-JJ-
